Mo’s Mixed-Up Management Discoveries

Mo was learning how to run the farm as a business. While pigs are reputed to be hard workers, it is well known that they often sleep as many as 12 hours a day. Asked about that once, Mo admitted it was true, but explained, "That’s only because we don’t have much else to do with our time." Certainly that was no longer true. Mo ordered every business text he could find and devoured them -- figuratively, of course. He would read all day and into the night, usually until his wife, Princess, demanded that he come to pen.

Mo discovered there were books covering every conceivable aspect of creating and running a business, from A is for Accounting to The Insider’s Guide to Cashing in on Stock Tips. Among the books he read were: Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun and Homer Simpson’s Management Guide: The Whats and Nots of Business. Some of the lessons certainly could not be applied; "When dealing with strong competitors or those who would cause you to delay your plans," advised Moving Mountains: The Strategy Secrets of Hannibal, "the best strategy is to order their heads lopped off and impaled on a stake at least seven feet tall for all who pass to see."

Just about the only business books he refused to order were Chicken Soup for the Businessman’s Soul, which he felt would be in poor taste and might upset the girls in the henhouse; Business for Dummies, because that title made no sense to him; and Bringing Home the Bacon, for obvious reasons.

With so many contradictory books each claiming to contain the real secrets of business success, Mo got very confused. "Whoa," he told Lawrence, who would perch quietly on the mantle at night to keep him company, "I never knew doing business was so tough." Finally, he ordered copies of All of Your Business, the Only Guide to Business Books You’ll Ever Need and The Last Best Book of Business Books, Honestly and Truly the Only Guide to Business Books That You Should Believe, both of which supposedly explained which business strategy books were accurate. Unfortunately, those two books also contradicted each other.

Mo also sent away for several sets of motivational tapes, which were guaranteed to help anyone increase self-confidence, promote self-assertiveness, and "identify the strongest possible inner you." According to this material, the strongest possible inner Mo was basically ham. While some of this material made sense to Mo, he lost all interest during the "Dress for Success" seminar tapes that warned specifically against wearing earth tones -- or, as he interpreted that, dirt.

After reading all these books, Mo admittedly was even more confused. Every author wrote with great authority that if the reader followed their advice, success would be assured. So based on all this material, Mo wrote down certain conclusions:

1. Without question, the most important thing for any business is establishing a good firm ethical policy. And if that isn’t it, then definitely it is quality control. Or marketing and delivery systems, or maybe a continuing commitment to research and development.
2. A company can only be as successful as the quality of its management. But if the management isn’t very good, then it can only be as successful as the loyalty of its workers.
3. With proper training, all employees can become equally competent -- except for those employees who will always be superior to others.
4. According to years of research, the single most important factor in job satisfaction to a worker is his or her salary. Or maybe working conditions. Or benefits. Or job security. Or respect. Or something else.
5. A successful manager will treat all of those people working for him exactly the same, spending approximately an equal amount of time with each one. Either that or a successful manager will focus on his most productive people.
6. The more opportunity employees have for advancement and promotion, the better they will do their jobs. Or, competition for advancement creates an unhealthy, unsupportive atmosphere and leads to unproductive employees.
7. Any bright employee who really desires a specific job will be able to do that job. Or, different individuals have different skills suited for different situations.
8. Customers or clients are willing to pay more for quality. Or, the key to continued success is low prices.
9. The value of the company’s stock can be increased by issuing unrealistically optimistic quarterly projections. Or, the value of the stock can be increased by issuing unrealistic pessimistic quarterly projections -- then beating them.
10. There is only one best way to work with employees: Treat them all the same. Or, the best way to work with employees is to use a different strategy for each individual.

Everyone on the farm agreed that Mo was doing something very important in the "main office," as they had begun to refer to the Goode house, even if no one was sure exactly what he was doing. But soon it became known that Mo was working on "the business plan." Everyone spoke with great respect and confidence about "the business plan." In the mornings, many of the animals would stand around the water trough and discuss it, although no one dared admit that they had never seen a business plan or knew what it was. In fact, when one of chickens said casually, "I forget, what’s a business plan again?" everyone laughed at her.

Belle, one of the older sheep, explained patiently, "It’s a plan for business, dear."

Lionel Engine, the small but feisty mouse, boasted, "Business plans are very good. I’ve eaten several of them in my time."