Imagine this: Someone you recently met invites you to dinner at
his home, and you accept. The following Wednesday evening, you
arrive at the agreed-upon time. As you were expecting, your host
opens the door and lets you in. He then points you in the direction
of the dining room and walks off in the opposite direction, telling
you he will return. Slightly taken aback by this lack of
hospitality, you wander around and eventually find the dining
room.
After waiting for about 15 minutes, you get tired of standing
and decide to sit down at the table. A woman and two small children
are watching television in a nearby room. They can clearly see you
waiting, but they don't acknowledge your presence. One of the
children stares at you for a few moments, providing a glimmer of
hope, but then walks right by you on her way to the kitchen and
doesn't say a word.
Thirty minutes after your arrival, the guy who invited you to
dinner has yet to return. Even though you normally would have
walked out by this point, the entire scene is so bizarre that you
stay around out of curiosity, wanting to know what's wrong with
this family.
Then, when you thought you had seen it all, your host finally
enters the room carrying a stack of books and manuals. He sets them
on the table and pleasantly says, "Let me know if you have any
questions" and leaves the room. You start to peruse the manual on
top and see the title: How to Use Your Gas Range. The next
manual is titled: KRC 542: Microwave Oven. The rest of the
stack contains a few standard cookbooks.
This scene, albeit fictional, is comparable to what happens to
many new employees when they enter their new workplace; they are
essentially given directions on how to cook their own meal and then
left alone. Just ask Stephen, a project manager who thought he had
finally found the ideal job. Even though his new position required
moving to a city more than 500 miles from his hometown, Stephen
jumped at the opportunity after talking to the recruiter and
reading the job description. He was sure he would love the job, and
he was full of excitement when he arrived.
On his first day, someone from Human Resources showed Stephen to
his office, left him with a couple of product manuals, and told him
to read them. During his first week, that was all he did -- peruse
company manuals. Each day, as the noon hour neared, Stephen quietly
hoped someone would ask him to join them for lunch in the company's
cafeteria so he would not have to eat alone. No such luck. No one
even stopped by to chat or help him get acquainted with his new job
and new city. The following Monday, he called in "sick." He did the
same the next day. Then, on Wednesday, Stephen submitted his
resignation after 10 days on the job.
This story illustrates why it's critical for people who are new
to a group to get plugged into a network of potential friends right
away. Once these personal connections are made, they usually last.
The best online and distance degree programs require new students
to spend a few intensive weeks together before they begin
communicating virtually. Once you have gotten to know someone
face-to-face, working with them at a distance can be very
effective. Without these personal connections, you would be working
with relative strangers. [See "Getting the Most Out of Remote
Workers" in the "See Also" area on this page.]
One professional services company I work with brings a group of
15 to 30 new associates together in one location every few months
and provides them with two to three weeks of learning and
socializing. They take the group to dinners, sporting events, and
other area attractions. This builds bonds with coworkers that last
for decades -- even when they go back to work in different cities.
They are wired into a network from day one. According to our
research, organizations that help new employees make friends could
double the chances of those new employees being satisfied at
work.
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Other organizations have less formal programs that pair new
employees with mentors or advisors who think about the new
employee's personal and professional growth. A division of consumer
products giant Procter & Gamble requires new team members to
spend a full hour talking with each person on the team they are
joining. The employees are specifically directed to talk about
their friends, families, hobbies, and other outside interests --
any work-related topics are off limits for this initial
hour. As a result, members of the team build trust and
relationships much faster than they had in previous jobs. And when
questions or issues arise later, it is much easier for new members
of the group to ask those questions. In the words of one team
member, "This made it much easier for me, as a new person, to get
involved and seek advice."
Plugging in before meetings
Regardless of whether you love or dread meetings, they do
provide a venue for getting to know your colleagues. However, when
a meeting starts, most of us have a tendency to jump right into
things. I am as impatient as anyone, and I cannot stand meetings
that run unnecessarily long. But whenever you have new people in
the group -- or have not met for some time -- it pays to open
things up on a different note.
A previous manager of mine, Don, started every meeting with a
brief activity. He thought people should get to know each other
before diving into an agenda. The first thing Don would do is
distribute a few pieces of paper to each person in the room. Every
sheet had the following headings printed across the top: Name,
Hobbies, Personal Success, and Professional Success. Don would then
open the meeting by asking everyone to answer these four
questions:
- What name do you prefer to be called?
- What are one or two of your favorite activities or hobbies
outside of work?
- What is one recent personal success you have had?
- What is one recent professional success you have had?
At first, this seemed a bit odd to me, and perhaps a waste of
time, but it certainly helped us become acquainted and settle in
before we tackled pressing work topics. It even gave me a refresher
course on people's names. After attending a few of these meetings,
I began to notice other colleagues who shared my interests, which
led to follow-up conversations after the meeting. A couple of my
strongest workplace friendships started off this way, and it's
unlikely we would have connected in the first place if Don hadn't
kicked off every meeting with a few good questions.
This is one of the most common ways a vital friendship is formed
at work -- discovering a coworker with common interests or beliefs.
The best workgroups we have studied engage in passionate
conversations and e-mail discussions about non-work topics. This
helps the group bond and makes it stronger.