Mo really didn't know how to solve the [farm's] problems. But
late one night, while he was rereading Hell on Earth: The
Leadership Secrets of Satan, several paragraphs attracted his
attention. "Managers can be the key to creating complete confusion
in your workforce. By making certain your employees never know what
to expect from their supervisors -- even from day to day -- you can
substantially increase their level of anxiety and frustration and
almost guarantee that everyone will be unhappy. Thus you will
successfully maintain a very undesirable workplace. The result will
be falling production, financial losses, and eventual failure."
The book also pointed out that every ladder goes two directions.
Just as some workers will choose to climb up the ladder to success,
the right amount of improper planning can be used just as
successfully to make them climb down to failure: "The way to create
a climate that ensures unhappiness and failure is to make certain
your managers are climbing down that ladder. Each and every one of
the 10 rungs on the ladder to failure is important:
- The top step: Make sure your managers put the wrong people in
the right jobs.
- Second step: Set unrealistic goals that can't be achieved. But
if anyone gets too close, move the goal line.
- Third step: Treat all employees exactly the same, no matter
what their individual skills and desires.
- Fourth step: Determine the weaknesses of every employee, and
make sure they are all doing jobs that emphasize those
shortcomings. For example, make sure your shyest people have as
much direct contact with your customers as possible.
- Fifth step: Keep pay and benefits to the absolute minimum --
but make sure your employees find out how much more than them other
employees are making.
- Sixth step: Be sure that your employees have every tool and all
the materials needed to complete an important assignment -- except
for one really small and important thing that will be impossible to
obtain.
- Seventh step: Never overlook an opportunity to undermine your
employees' self-confidence. Master several clever remarks that will
produce insecurity. For example: 'How could you screw that one up?
It was so simple even my Aunt Beatrice could have done it right --
and she's 102 years old and thinks she's a foghorn.'
- Eighth step: When an employee is really good at a job,
immediately promote him to a job at which he's not as good.
- Ninth step: Insist that your workers take training classes that
will have absolutely no value in their jobs. For example, make sure
production workers have computer programming skills.
- Tenth and last step on the ladder: Regularly schedule 'very
important' meetings with workers to review their progress and
discuss their future. Then cancel at the last minute without giving
any reason and tell them, 'Ah well, it doesn't matter anyway.' Then
walk away without saying another word."
As Mo finished reading, he let out a long wheeze. "Wow," he said
to Lawrence, taking a long drag on his cigar, "you should take a
look at this list."
He pushed the book over to Lawrence, who read the list quickly,
nodding as he did. "They wouldn't work for us," he decided, "but
you got to admit that those rules have worked pretty well for
Satan."