An Animal’s “Desirable Competencies”

The first thing the new managers did was circulate the list of desirable competencies to their workers. These are the things that the most successful animals do, they explained, so the more of these you can do, the more successful you’ll be.

For many animals, this proved to be quite confusing. Orville the pigeon, for example, wanted to know why it was so desirable for him to be able to give seven gallons of milk. Lionel Engine knew he had exceptional leadership qualities, but as hard as he tried, he couldn’t get out a single bark. Lily did not want to be any stronger because muscular girls didn’t look very feminine. Big Sam the sheepdog had beautiful tail movement, but each time he tried to flap his arms, he collapsed onto his chin.

No one was expected to be able to do all of these competencies, the managers explained. But with training and practice, everyone should be able to do a few more of them. Lionel Engine believed that, and he walked around for several days trying to learn how to bark. Instead of "bow-wow," the sound that came out was an unfortunate "mew-mew."

Mo was determined to apply the latest management techniques, so the final thing he did before assigning jobs was conduct 360 reviews. "This is an opportunity to find out exactly how we think about each other," he said cheerily. "It’s a chance for all of us to..."

In his mind, Abe finished the sentence for him, "get even." And he couldn’t help but smile, a great big goat smile. There was a good reason he’d been born an animal.

"...identify our weaknesses so we can work on them." Mo explained how the 360s worked: Each animal is rated by everyone around him or her -- coworkers, managers, even executives -- on a specific set of statements. For example, everyone working in the barnyard rates everybody else in the barnyard, and all the animals in the pasture rate each other. The results are supposed to provide a strong indication of how well that animal is doing on the job, emphasizing both strengths and weaknesses.

The statements for this 360 came from a variety of sources. Some of them were selected from sample 360s, others were based on the focus groups and competency list, and others were left anonymously in the barn suggestion box.

The individual filling out the forms either agrees or disagrees with each statement strongly or moderately. The statements were pretty straightforward. They included:

• "Uses humor effectively"
• "Shares his lunch on a daily basis"
• "Has the ability to eat through clutter"
• "Thinks she’s better than anybody else"
• "Contributes to group projects"
• "Is sympathetic to the needs of others"
• "Rarely makes embarrassing noises in public"
• "His or her bark is worse than his or her bite"
• "Contributes eggs willingly"
• "Exhibits compassion and animanity"
• "Has a bad temper"
• "Has had distemper"
• "Can handle problems that crop up"
• "Can handle problems with crops"
• "Knows when to say yea or neigh"
• "Has good mechanical skills"
• "Works well with others"
• "Builds a good nest"
• "Sticks his snout into other animals’ business"

As Lily and Mary walked back to the barn after dropping off their completed forms, Lily said softly, "Mary, can I ask you a question?"

"What’s that, dearie," Mary responded.

"There’s one thing I don’t understand. I mean, I know I’m not very smart or anything..."

"Come on, you’re perfectly adeq..."

"No, no, don’t rooster me, I know the truth. We’ve had all these surveys and interviews and focus groups, and we filled out all these forms, but the one thing nobody ever asked was what anybody really gets done -- like how many eggs the girls lay in a month, how much milk Joanie gives, or how many acres were planted. They haven’t asked us a single question about that."

Mary nodded, "What you’re talking about is the way they used to do business. You see Lil, that’s why Mo is the Chief Executive Animal and we’re not. For example, say Cindy has a great month and lays 26 eggs. She just did it. There’s no way of being sure that the next month she’ll lay another 26 eggs. But if she really understood how she did it, if she had mastered all the techniques involved in the process, if she was in a supportive environment, maybe she wouldn’t lay 26 eggs the next month -- but she would know why she didn’t. And then each time she didn’t make quota, they could correct all her mistakes."

"Baa," Lily said, shaking her head in wonder, "it’s a good thing we’ve got Mo in charge to figure out what we need to figure out."

Mary agreed. It was indeed a good thing.